*

Me:
Ok class, today…

Student:
This is stupid. I’d rather be playing video games.

Office:
*ring* Send (student) to the office.

Voicemail:
My kid told me that YOU…

Email:
We need you to sub on your prep.

Teacher Coaches:
Students are experiencing an all time level of trauma. Form relationships with all students and make connections every day.

SRSS:
Make sure to incorporate ELA and math into your lesson plan daily, so we can boost our scores for data.

IEP:
Implement these modifications and accommodations for these students every hour. Document it.

504:
You are legally bound to adhering to these accommodations for these students. Document it.

Pinterest:
Every teacher in the universe has a cooler and craftier idea and classroom than you.

Facebook:
Omg. Did you hear about what happened in *insert teacher here* class?! Don’t they even watch them? It’s their job! How did (s)he miss that?! Yeah, and I heard…

Class Roster:
30+ kids every hour, 6 times per day.

Student Services:
You have 4 homeless students. You need to provide the following daily.

Student Medical Alert:
These students will die if you don’t monitor these medical issues closely.

Professional Development:
We’re trying something new this year even though we’re not ready to roll it out and there’s no funding for it. Be sure to document that you are doing it correctly.

Media:
Your classroom is going to get shot up any minute.

Surprise Observation:
Be sure goals are set, reports are finished, lesson plans are perfect, and that you hit the learning target and success criteria multiple times. We need documentation and evidence that you’re doing this.

Standardized Tests:
You suck as a teacher. Also, your rating is based on this, but also, make sure students don’t feel defined by their performance on these.

PBIS:
Teach students the expectations in the hallway, cafeteria, classroom, and outside. Take students in the bathroom and reteach how to wipe, flush, and wash hands. Be sure to only reward positive behavior. Check in and check out with these specific students daily.

MTSS:
We have 3 tiers of support. What about your gifted students, pull out students, intervention students? Why aren’t you providing enough differentiation? You need to provide documentation.

Door:
Keep me locked, so that students are safe. Yes you will be interrupted to open me 10x per hour.

Papers/Grading:
Say good bye to your evenings and weekends.

Lesson Plans:
Are they aligned with school, state, U.S., and world wide standards? Be sure to document that.

The Powers That Be:
What can we do to help?

Teachers:
Please take something off our plate before adding something new.

The Powers that Be:
Sorry, no can do. Btw, you also need to…

Tech Dept:
We are working on correcting today’s issue as quickly as we can.

English Language Learner:
*crying, speaking a foreign language, feeling alone and scared*

*

Teacher On Zoom Call Meme

*

The Powers that Be:
Sorry, there’s just not enough funding for those students.

Department Heads:
I’ve been told we need to align all of our curriculum, assessments, and daily lesson plans. Be sure to document that.

Staff Memo:
Be sure to attend the following meetings this week: staff, grade level, core subject, tech, school climate, school improvement.

Counselors:
We saw 500 of the 900 students on our caseload, this month.

Social Worker:
Yes, I filed that CPS report and the other one. Now we wait on the state to act.

Student:
My step dad got arrested last night for beating up my mom.

Tornado Drill:
Surprise! Make sure all students are safe. Now go back to teaching.

Fire Drill:
Surprise! Make sure all students are safe. Now go back to teaching.

Internal Threat Drill:
Surprise! Barricade your door and make sure all students are silent for 45 minutes. Go back to teaching.

External Threat Drill:
Surprise! Make sure student are silent and out of the funnel of potential bullet spray. Now go back to teaching.

Tutoring:
Provided before school, after school, and during lunch.

Technology:
Must be implemented into all lessons but also make sure to monitor all 30+ students at all times and make sure they’re not doing anything inappropriate.

Data:
You suck as a teacher.

Administrators:
*literally being pulled in 20 directions at once, everyday, while fielding discipline, making multiple teacher observations, fielding staff, breaking up fights, keeping us safe, performing investigations, cooperating with police, meeting with students and parents, and attending all after school and extracurricular activities*

Employability Grade:
Be sure to document when students are tardy, not following directions, unprepared, and not collaborating well. Document this for all 175 students.

Academic Grade:
Document all accommodations, modifications, retakes, and rationale for grades for each of your 175 students. No we will not provide district time for you to enter these into your grade book.

Special Ed State Dept:
You must mainstream all students regardless of behavior, cognitive function, and/or potential violent episodes. Sorry, there’s just not enough funding for additonal support in your classroom.

State:
Make sure you are highly qualified, but you must pay for all of your professional development, student loans, grad classes, conferences, hotel stay, food, travel, and substitute teachers out of pocket. And you need to update your certification. You’ll need to pay for that too.

Bladder:
You haven’t peed in 7 hours, you’re going to get another infection.

Heart:
*racing*

Stomach:
*in knots and anxiety coursing*

Brain:
You’re not enough. You’ll never be enough.

Chest/Lungs:
I can’t breathe.

Eyes:
*leaking tears*

Me:
*smiles* (Tells self) Stop. Just suck it up. You’re fine. You have 30+ students eyes on you right now. Do NOT let them down.

Society:
F*ck respect for authority, including your teachers. Must be nice to get your summers off.

Parent of a Student:
You make a difference.

Student:
I know I’m special and have value, because of you.

My Own Kids:
Mom, why are your crying?

Me:
*sets alarm for tomorrow to do it all over again*

– Written by Amber Lynn G. (middle school teacher)

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Writing Hacks And Essays On Life

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