Jerry Sandusky is the oldest fucking asshole, and turns out, quite literally he is.. This should have been the title to my skit, but it gives too much away.. Soon, there will be producers fishing for a story to make a movie of Jerry’s life, and I would rather be ready with a screenplay! Below is a terrific attempt!

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JERRY SANDUSKY – The poke; A satirical comedy

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INT.PENN STATE COURT HOUSE – COURT ROOM – MORNING

Dottie Sandusky, the wife of the accused, is sitting on the witness stand as a character witness presented by the Defense team. She is sobbing, while testifying.

DOTTIE SANDUSKY

Jerry has never bothered me with demands of getting into bed with him every night. He has never really touched me or touched anybody as far as I know. If anything, his autobiography “TOUCHED” did all the touching for him.

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INT. JURY ROOM – AFTERNOON

12 members of the jury deliberate the fate of Jerry Sandusky. Because of her ability to set Twitter on fire, Courtney Stodden, one of the jurymen, is the only one given electronic messaging privileges while the rest of the jury pool is sequestered.

SNOOKI

Eww.. This dude is NOT cute AND and.. on tops, he is old and wrinkly!!
Did I mention wrinkly.. *wink* *wink*
This story makes no sense and that makes him look like fuckin’ whore..
Coz it has lotz of sex.. *wink*

Looks like he needs one of those Gatorade showers,
to calm down his hyperactive wiener.. Jus sayin.. !!

GEORGE W. BUSH

I have worked on war strategies and punishments all my life!
My suggestion is to remove all the men and boys from his life,
or better yet send him to an island with only women,
that’s punishment enough!!

PARIS HILTON

Everything bad that can happen to a person has happened to me..
So, any punishment to Jerry uncle will be easy enough..
Oh well, I’m, like, sooooooooooo pretty..
Whatever!

CHARLIE SHEEN

Castrate him and give him his genitals,
so that you know, like you know, he can..
masturbate..

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INT. JURY ROOM – NEXT TO THE COFFEE TABLE

Courtney is a lean mean tweet machine!

COURTNEY STODDEN

Tweet 1: As I soak in all the evidence photos and papers of the trial,
they have left me with a vivid imagination of the naughty boy, Jerry
XOXO

Tweet 2: Erotically rolling out my rill curvy bod to get myself a juicy
lip-smacking lemonade from the frigge.. 
Ahhhh.. so refreshing.. WINKY FACE

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INT. JURY ROOM – NEXT TO THE COFFEE TABLE

Anderson Cooper walks up to the coffee table. He preps his show notes for his nightly show on CNN. He pauses to muse over Courtney and then gets back to scribbling..

ANDERSON COOPER

For the Ridiculist: Courtney Stodden is at her best today,
even while being sequestered,
she has maintained her upbeat personality and has grabbed
another new internet commercial gig! Go Courtney!

Life is full of just indignation. Who would have thought two totally
different paths could cross like this. Incidentally Courtney’s
commercial is targeting hemorrhoids. Guess Sandusky will miss his
Epsom salt baths in jail. And Courtney claims to know the pain! Yay!

WANDA SYKES

Jerry’s balls are in our court and I am not particularly euphemistic when I say those words.. 
I have my own battle to win, choosing whether I
am more black than I am gay or vice versa..
Jerry seems to be the typical good guy – teacher, harmless, white, old..
God bless the kids who went
through shit with him and on top of that, multiple rounds of suicide
attempts, joblessness, fucked up prospects in life because of their
messed up brain.. Man that shit must mess you up..
“Predatory Pedophile”, wasn’t it the word used to describe him,
I couldn’t come up with a better description for that old stunk.

KIM KARDASHIAN

Hey dolls! Jerry is one Epic fail, Jackass!
Damn that “dick” head makes Tiger (Woods) look so much better.. Yikes.. Ha ha.. Most people are not smart as us Kardashian sisters.
We have been sued a million times, but never once been to jail..
Go figure! 

BARACK OBAMA

I just miss.. I miss being anonymous;
And I get what it feels like to have your privacy invaded..
But, the issue on the table seems so logical,
it can only be bipartisan. We, Americans are funny..
We have these nick names,
“Jerry” for Gerald Arthur Sandusky;
and that might be part of the problem;
making him psychologically feel like a child
while being trapped in an adult body!
The etymology of the word “Jerry” might have to be studied..
Jerry Lewis, Jerry Seinfeld, Jerry Springer and now, Jerry
Sandusky.. Innocent ’til Proven Otherwise..

PIPPA MIDDLETON

Since Kate has been able to cross the high palace walls
using her pole vaulting skills, thanks to her,
I am a globally recognized brand, especially from behind.
I totally know what kind of eyes have been preying on these kids’ butts..
To all those people out there like Jerry, I say, “Kiss my arse!“
It’s not easy, to have 400 paparazzi pictures taken up my rear end on any given day..

SARAH PALIN

I would have loved to mentor those kids in the 2nd mile program
as a Volunteer coordinator. I would have suggested they wear layers of clothing, specially, underwears, so nobody will look in an area that they don’t need them to look at.
I do that all the time to cover my chest size..
Shoot, they have had a doggoned sheltered life like me!

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The jury pool has a mix of people from all walks of life.. We have been “hot on the trail” of Sandusky all these weeks, now is the time to call it like what it is.. AND what is a court of public opinion without a member of the media, after all, they are the ones that shape the vast majority of people’s opinions..

PEREZ HILTON

As you all know I am not so much into gossip,
I need just plain facts..!
It is not celebrities that we are talking about people!!
In a  subservient way, he was probably trying to make the world a
better place. I am willing to give me the benefit of the doubt until I
see the evidence!

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INT. COURT ROOM – LATE AFTERNOON:
Jury deliberations are complete and the jury is filed back into the courtroom.

JUDGE

Mr. Sandusky, is there anything you would like to
say to the courtroom?

JERRY SANDUSKY

This is my soap story..
You are being hard on me, Judge!
Actually, that’s what all the boys had to say, that’s all!
I have been a Defensive master mind for 23 years
out of 32 years he has been coaching Football at Penn State.
And we are in the business of
contact sport… Things happen, get it, get it?
I have already missed out on using several of my free game passes
this past month due to the house arrest.
All my six MALE adopted children are going to
suffer without me being around. I have a
Bachelors degree in Health and Hygiene and I consider myself
somewhat of an authority to teach kids going through puberty body
hygiene basics; applying soap to their backs and cleaning their
privates and so on and so forth.

JUDGE

The people of the great state of Pennsylvania would like to know
how it went down in the jury room,
are you ready with the verdict?

VERDICT

The jury unanimously declares:

Hang him with Victim 6’s blood soaked underwear.. until he dies.. 

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INT. COURT ROOM – EVENING

Gasps follow..

EXT. COURT HOUSE STEPS – EVENING

Cheers explode outside!

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Disclaimer: Making light of the situation. NOT. Imagine me as red with anger as the stains on the little boys’ underwears..

Ahhh…mazing: “The most loving thing to do is to share your bed with someone.” — Michael Jackson